This column is about Draymond Green’s whatsis. “Whatsis” is a euphemism for his whosits.
As you probably know, the Warriors’ shining beacon of morality and decorum, the self-anointed team leader, recently got in trouble for sending out a photo of his whatsis on the internet. Always a questionable move.
So you won’t think this is a whatsis-only column, here’s important background information leading up to the whatsis caper and putting it in context, an essential strategy in any sports story on a serious topic. Call this Draymond’s Greatest Hits So Far in 2016.
In February he got ticked off at Steve Kerr during halftime, and went bonkers in the locker room. He screamed at Kerr in front of the team, calling him several unpleasant names no family newspaper is allowed to print. Green later apologized.
“That wasn’t the right way to handle what needed to be handled,” the apparently contrite Green said.
Draymond Green is a world-class apologizer. He even sounds sincere.
In the playoffs against the Thunder, he kicked Steven Adams in his whatsis. With Green there is a continuing whatsis theme. What’s up with that? Adams sank to his knees like a man who’d been kicked you know where. The league slapped Green with a flagrant foul 2. Green said he didn’t mean to kick Adams down under.
In the Finals against Cleveland, Green took a swipe at LeBron James’ whatsis — there’s that darned whatsis theme again — and ended up getting banned for a game. You know what happened to the Warriors after that.
When the season ended, he got into a disagreement with a college student at a bar and allegedly smacked him in the puss. He later copped a plea bargain.
“It’s definitely a lesson learned,” he said later. He didn’t say what lesson.
And then there’s the latest. Recently, a photo of a whatsis, presumably belonging to the intrepid Green, appeared publicly on his Snapchat account.
It was later deleted. At first, Green said he got hacked. Nice try, Draymond.
Then he came clean. Said he meant to send out the photo privately.
“I kinda hit the wrong button and it sucks,” he wrote. “We’re all one click away from placing something in the wrong place, and I suffered from that this morning.”
I’ll skip over the implications of placing something in the wrong place — good God. But let’s get this straight. According to Green, this was purely and exclusively a button issue. He wanted to send someone a highly personal photo and hit the wrong button. That was his mistake, hitting the wrong button.
Buttons can be so contrary.
I won’t get into the weirdness of hitting the wrong button. Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychiatry, would have lots to say about Green’s deep-down intentions when he hit the wrong button. Put that aside, if you can.
In spite of what Green said, I don’t consider this a button issue. No way. I consider this a whatsis issue. Who in his right mind sends out photos of that publicly or privately? Well, New York politician Anthony Weiner did and it ruined his career. You can learn all about Weiner in the movie “Weiner,” a double entendre if there ever was one. Does Green suffer from advanced Weineritis?
I’m trying to understand how this works. I like Janie. I want Janie to like me. I decide to send her a selfie of a certain body appendage. That sure will charm her. Demonstrate my class, sophistication and general savoir faire.
Is that behavior even normal?
Green seems — how to put this? — out of control. Just a little. Any one of these aforementioned incidents could be trivial in itself. Not the totality of them, the sheer preponderance of stupid behavior he specializes in. The pattern of goofy judgment.
Here’s what happened to him. What probably happened. Steve Kerr had serious back issues and didn’t coach the first part of last season. Created a coach vacuum. An authority-figure vacuum. Luke Walton was interim coach. Walton is laid back and never had a head coach’s juice with the players. Green, basically a good guy, took advantage of the coach vacuum.
Kerr returned with the team on a historic winning streak. Didn’t want to mess up a good thing. Didn’t lean on Green. Allowed Green to run wild. Which led to how Green acted in the playoffs. Which led to all his technical fouls and flagrant fouls that did in the Warriors. Which led to the face slap. Which led to the wrong button. Which led to the incriminating photo.
Green acted out over a long period of time. No one told him “no.” No one gave him direction or limits. He’s young and he needs direction and limits.
This is not a Green problem. This is a Warriors problem. The Warriors need to bring Green back to reality. Hard. Teach him his place on the team — just one of the guys. Teach him how to act in public and, I guess, in private. Teach him what it means to be a Warrior instead of the apologizing boor he has become.
One other thing. You want a woman to think you’re fine, Draymond? Spring for a box of chocolates and a dozen roses. Works every time.
For more on the world of sports in general and the Bay Area in particular, go to the Cohn Zohn at cohn.blogs.pressdemocrat.com. You can reach Staff Columnist Lowell Cohn at firstname.lastname@example.org.